Relationship issues: for couples, singles, and those in divorce

We are relational beings. Human beings evolved in small, closely-knit bands, and we still need love, friendship and the company of other people in order to be happy and healthy. The prevailing myth in the US is one of independence. We're not supposed to need anyone. We're supposed to satisfy all our needs, all by ourselves. This is crazy! People need people, and that's OK.

Singles
I work with single people who want to look at their relationship patterns, in order to stop dating unavailable others, and improve their chances of finding and keeping a satisfying partnership. Relationship involves finding a suitable partner, but it also involves locating an authentic self from which to relate. For most of us, that can take some excavation.

We'll look at your family history, the beliefs you have built up over time about yourself and relationships, and talk about how you can more authentically be who you are and interact from that place. We also look at the role love plays in your life, and the role your life plays in your loving.

I'm LGBQQI and trans-friendly, and work in an LGBQQIT-friendly office.

Couples
In couples work, my role is to meet the two people involved where they are, and help them build a bridge back toward each other. I never assume I know "whose fault it is". Every couple has complex dynamics, and an ebb and flow of love and availability.

My work is informed by the knowledge that people are different, and often have very ways of communicating and showing love, as well as frustration. Many of the couples I see also have cross-cultural issues, since they come from different cultural backgrounds.

I use a variety of methods to help couples look at unhelpful communication patterns and entrenched circular systems that have evolved between them over time, and that lead to misunderstanding and conflict. I often suggest Gestalt therapy-based experiments, including homework to do between sessions. I also work on issues of sexuality.

Life During and After Divorce
I have worked with many clients who are recovering from divorce or separation. This work usually follows several stages:

• Surviving the shock of finding yourself alone among the wreckage of your former life.
• Picking up the pieces and creating a new life. Finding a place to live, managing the feelings that come up, coping with grief and anger, dealing with legal and custody issues.
• Working out who you are now you are no longer partnered. Certainly not the you that you were before you got married. Finding your new self takes a while, as you establish your new life and enrich it over time.
• Looking at where you want to go from here. Who do you want to be now? What do you want to do with the rest of your life?
• Dating in the post-divorce world.

Recovering from an abusive relationship in particular can be a long, difficult process, and therapy can help you build a sense of safety as you do the work necessary to build your new life.

Rachael Vaughan MA, MFT # 50730: Depth Psychotherapy and EMDR in San Francisco and Marin, for individuals and couples, in English and French