Lonely hearts club: Has internet porn kidnapped the man you love?
“Sometimes, when we’re making love, I feel like I don’t exist for him,” she says. “There’s no connection between us. I feel lonely. And afterwards I feel empty.”
Women who say things like this usually say them hesitantly. They often wonder out loud whether they’re just imagining the whole thing. They worry about sounding a little crazy. Like, maybe it’s them. But maybe it’s not them…maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s the effects of porn.
With the availability of 24/7 Internet pornography, porn use has become so widespread that it is now the water we all swim in. To the point where, when porn researchers look for control groups of men that don’t use porn, they simply cannot find them. In fact, porn use has become so widespread that what we think of as normal male sexuality may actually be the sexuality of men on porn.
Porn changes men who use it. If sex with your boyfriend, husband or partner feels disconnected, over-stimulating, or emotionally empty, leaving you feeling lonely and cut off, then that may be a sign that porn is getting between you. Have you noticed any of the following?
So what if he uses porn? Isn’t sex supposed to be healthy?
Sex is healthy and fun and important in human relationships. But porn is not about relationship. Habitual porn use hijacks the brain’s normal reward system, causing physical changes in the brain that make it harder and harder for a man to relate to a real woman, or feel pleasure from real sex.
We’re not talking about erotica here. Today’s porn is not what it used to be. Internet porn is about as far from a couple of Playboys under the bed as a trans-Atlantic flight is from biking to the corner store. It’s far more intense, far more addictive, and far more extreme in its effects.
How Internet porn hijacks the brain
Internet porn is all about dopamine—a neurochemical that is related to pleasure. Every time a man (or anyone, but in this case we're talking about guys) clicks on porn, he gets a ‘hit’ of dopamine. But here’s the kicker with dopamine—it’s like a drug in that the more hits you get of it, the more you need to feel the same high.
Habitual porn use gets a man hooked on dopamine, while at the same time changing his brain so that he craves more of it, and needs more and more to feel turned on. Which means he needs more and more novelty, more and more stimulation, more and more intensity, more and more edge. And he becomes less and less capable—on a brain level—of feeling turned on by sex with the normal, ordinary woman with whom he’s in relationship. It’s not his fault—he’s been kidnapped by porn.
So what does that mean for the relationship?
If you’re having sex with a man who watches a lot of porn, then you are having sex with a man who is less and less capable of enjoying connecting with you and making love with you. Increasingly, he can only get turned on to porn-related scenarios. It’s hard for him to feel pleasure, without the extra stimulation of porn, or porn-based fantasies.
However, he may not realize that porn is causing a problem, and even if he does, he may not want to talk about it—it’s hard to talk about porn use without making someone feel ashamed or wrong. Helping both of you get out of the grip of porn is going to require you to reclaim your own sexual center first. So you can help him if he wants to reclaim his, and prevent further damage to you if he doesn’t.
Some signs that porn may have come between you
If your man is a heavy user of porn, it intrudes into your sex life in ways that can be subtle, at first. The presence of porn might not be noticeable initially. In fact, he might quit for a while when you first get together. But sooner or later, if he’s continuing to use porn, it will start to get between you. Have you noticed any of the following?
What’s the difference?
Sometimes the difference can feel subtle, especially at first. Sometimes it starts out mutual and fun, and then the wires get crossed, and what used to feel spontaneous begins to feel forced. If this happens, you’re on a slippery slope. One that leads you to be less and less centered on what feels real to you, and more and more centered on doing what he wants—or rather what the porn in him wants. Then you begin to lose the connection with yourself and your own feelings. Meanwhile, he’s not connecting to you either—he’s been kidnapped by his fantasy. If this goes on long enough, a woman can begin to feel empty, lost, lonely, and confused.
What can you do?
Over time, sleeping with a man who has been kidnapped by porn can start to erode a woman’s sexual confidence, and even her sense of herself. So if it’s happening to you, you need to take action now. The man you love is not going to get to get off porn unless he wants to. But there is more and more information out there that may help. Websites like nofap and www.yourbrainonporn.com provide information and support to men who want to stop using porn, and the women who love them.
Couples recovering from porn addiction often reorient their sex lives toward non-orgasmic sex, or karezza. This gentle way of making love takes the focus off orgasm and onto bonding and pleasure. Partners doing karezza are usually surprised to find how satisfying it is to switch from the intense dopamine rollercoaster of what I call ‘sexualized sex’ to the gentler, but ultimately more satisfying feelings produced by this kind of sex. (Plus, if your lover has problems with erectile function without the stimulation of porn, then removing the emphasis on orgasm enables you both to get back to enjoying each other, without putting stress on him to perform.)
Whatever you decide to do as a couple, it’s important that you start to reclaim your own sexuality—and it may take you a while.
Refocus on you
Here are some things you can do for yourself, to start re-finding your own sexuality:
This could be the start of something wonderful
Many of us find it hard to find a partner, and when we do, it seems harder than ever to keep a relationship going. We’ve all got hooked on novelty, and our sexuality is based on stimulation, rather than love and connection. So now we have a hook-up culture, which leaves many, if not most of us, feeling alienated and lonely. Is porn responsible?
Realizing the effects of porn in your love life can be an opportunity to discover a different orientation to sex and love. It challenges you to feel into your own sexuality as a woman, rather than always following his lead. It’s an invitation to know yourself better, and explore who you want to be sexually.
And there’s a chance that if you invite him to meet you in a place of real connection, he will. Hundreds of thousands of men are getting off porn. This could be the start of something wonderful for you, him, and all of us.
If you are a woman, and you resonate with what I'm writing here, please let me know. I'd like to hear from you.
Women who say things like this usually say them hesitantly. They often wonder out loud whether they’re just imagining the whole thing. They worry about sounding a little crazy. Like, maybe it’s them. But maybe it’s not them…maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s the effects of porn.
With the availability of 24/7 Internet pornography, porn use has become so widespread that it is now the water we all swim in. To the point where, when porn researchers look for control groups of men that don’t use porn, they simply cannot find them. In fact, porn use has become so widespread that what we think of as normal male sexuality may actually be the sexuality of men on porn.
Porn changes men who use it. If sex with your boyfriend, husband or partner feels disconnected, over-stimulating, or emotionally empty, leaving you feeling lonely and cut off, then that may be a sign that porn is getting between you. Have you noticed any of the following?
- You feel as though he isn’t ‘there’ when you’re in bed together. You feel abandoned, but that seems like an odd thing to say, so you don’t say it. You begin to feel oddly lonely or confused.
- You begin to feel confused about your own sexual responses—are you doing this because you’re feeling sexy, or you trying to be something you’re not?
- You feel sex is going too fast; it doesn’t feel as though it’s unfolding, but more as though it’s being driven.
- You begin to feel awkward, and unsure as to whether you’re ‘sexy’ enough.
- You act in ways that afterwards you feel embarrassed or ashamed about.
- You begin to space out during sex, or have disturbing fantasies of your own.
- You feel sexually aroused but emotionally empty after being intimate with him.
So what if he uses porn? Isn’t sex supposed to be healthy?
Sex is healthy and fun and important in human relationships. But porn is not about relationship. Habitual porn use hijacks the brain’s normal reward system, causing physical changes in the brain that make it harder and harder for a man to relate to a real woman, or feel pleasure from real sex.
We’re not talking about erotica here. Today’s porn is not what it used to be. Internet porn is about as far from a couple of Playboys under the bed as a trans-Atlantic flight is from biking to the corner store. It’s far more intense, far more addictive, and far more extreme in its effects.
How Internet porn hijacks the brain
Internet porn is all about dopamine—a neurochemical that is related to pleasure. Every time a man (or anyone, but in this case we're talking about guys) clicks on porn, he gets a ‘hit’ of dopamine. But here’s the kicker with dopamine—it’s like a drug in that the more hits you get of it, the more you need to feel the same high.
Habitual porn use gets a man hooked on dopamine, while at the same time changing his brain so that he craves more of it, and needs more and more to feel turned on. Which means he needs more and more novelty, more and more stimulation, more and more intensity, more and more edge. And he becomes less and less capable—on a brain level—of feeling turned on by sex with the normal, ordinary woman with whom he’s in relationship. It’s not his fault—he’s been kidnapped by porn.
So what does that mean for the relationship?
If you’re having sex with a man who watches a lot of porn, then you are having sex with a man who is less and less capable of enjoying connecting with you and making love with you. Increasingly, he can only get turned on to porn-related scenarios. It’s hard for him to feel pleasure, without the extra stimulation of porn, or porn-based fantasies.
However, he may not realize that porn is causing a problem, and even if he does, he may not want to talk about it—it’s hard to talk about porn use without making someone feel ashamed or wrong. Helping both of you get out of the grip of porn is going to require you to reclaim your own sexual center first. So you can help him if he wants to reclaim his, and prevent further damage to you if he doesn’t.
Some signs that porn may have come between you
If your man is a heavy user of porn, it intrudes into your sex life in ways that can be subtle, at first. The presence of porn might not be noticeable initially. In fact, he might quit for a while when you first get together. But sooner or later, if he’s continuing to use porn, it will start to get between you. Have you noticed any of the following?
- He wants you to change your appearance in particular ways that don’t feel natural to who you are, such as bleaching or dyeing your hair, shaving your pubic hair, having cosmetic surgery to enlarge your breasts, and so on.
- He pressures you to adopt certain postures during sex, make certain sounds, ‘talk dirty’, or dress up in particular genres of costumes.
- He gets fascinated and fixated on certain parts of your body and seems to forget that the rest of you is there.
- He uses drugs when you have sex, and doesn’t seem to be able to get there unmediated by a substance.
- He alternates between being hyper-sexual, and being passive, as though he’s not interested in sex at all.
What’s the difference?
Sometimes the difference can feel subtle, especially at first. Sometimes it starts out mutual and fun, and then the wires get crossed, and what used to feel spontaneous begins to feel forced. If this happens, you’re on a slippery slope. One that leads you to be less and less centered on what feels real to you, and more and more centered on doing what he wants—or rather what the porn in him wants. Then you begin to lose the connection with yourself and your own feelings. Meanwhile, he’s not connecting to you either—he’s been kidnapped by his fantasy. If this goes on long enough, a woman can begin to feel empty, lost, lonely, and confused.
What can you do?
Over time, sleeping with a man who has been kidnapped by porn can start to erode a woman’s sexual confidence, and even her sense of herself. So if it’s happening to you, you need to take action now. The man you love is not going to get to get off porn unless he wants to. But there is more and more information out there that may help. Websites like nofap and www.yourbrainonporn.com provide information and support to men who want to stop using porn, and the women who love them.
Couples recovering from porn addiction often reorient their sex lives toward non-orgasmic sex, or karezza. This gentle way of making love takes the focus off orgasm and onto bonding and pleasure. Partners doing karezza are usually surprised to find how satisfying it is to switch from the intense dopamine rollercoaster of what I call ‘sexualized sex’ to the gentler, but ultimately more satisfying feelings produced by this kind of sex. (Plus, if your lover has problems with erectile function without the stimulation of porn, then removing the emphasis on orgasm enables you both to get back to enjoying each other, without putting stress on him to perform.)
Whatever you decide to do as a couple, it’s important that you start to reclaim your own sexuality—and it may take you a while.
Refocus on you
Here are some things you can do for yourself, to start re-finding your own sexuality:
- Don’t use alcohol or drugs when you’re going to have sex: unmediated sex enables you to feel your body’s natural responses.
- Pay attention to your own body and your own tastes about how you look and what you wear. Find out what makes you feel sexy from the inside.
- If something feels off, and you don’t like it, then don’t do it. Don’t have sex if it feels disconnected or unloving.
- Tell him what would be pleasurable for you. Ask for what you want.
- If you feel you’ve lost him during sex, you probably have. Bring him back, by gently asking him to look into your eyes, or kiss you.
- Stop focusing on getting to orgasm, and refocus on pleasure and connection.
This could be the start of something wonderful
Many of us find it hard to find a partner, and when we do, it seems harder than ever to keep a relationship going. We’ve all got hooked on novelty, and our sexuality is based on stimulation, rather than love and connection. So now we have a hook-up culture, which leaves many, if not most of us, feeling alienated and lonely. Is porn responsible?
Realizing the effects of porn in your love life can be an opportunity to discover a different orientation to sex and love. It challenges you to feel into your own sexuality as a woman, rather than always following his lead. It’s an invitation to know yourself better, and explore who you want to be sexually.
And there’s a chance that if you invite him to meet you in a place of real connection, he will. Hundreds of thousands of men are getting off porn. This could be the start of something wonderful for you, him, and all of us.
If you are a woman, and you resonate with what I'm writing here, please let me know. I'd like to hear from you.